Sometimes when time slips by so quickly and the days stack on top of each other it just becomes more and more overwhelming to get back to where I left off.  It’s like when you leave a good book and know you want to return but you have left it for so long now; it seems futile to go back to it.  I feel guilty betraying the blog for this long…almost a year….my gosh.  But then I think, I left my house on Larchenstrass in Bann, back in May. It is now September and I just got to sleep in my own bed again. I am just getting the last pieces of art hung up on the walls.  Perhaps I am not giving myself enough credit for all I have had to do.

The MOVE and leading up to it was a crazy time.  Some of the craziness was necessary, like trying to get schools vetted out ahead of time, connecting with a realestate agent, arranging the shipment of vehicles, household goods, and flights that would accomodate our feline friends.  And yes some of it was brought on by our own crazed sense to do it all before leaving Europe.  We had to get in the Champange trip to the caves, sans children.  The number one restaurant in the world was just in Gerona, Spain, and it would be sick to miss it.   We had parties to host, parties to attend and in between all of that we had normal daily life.  Normandy and the 70th anniversary of Dday could not be missed.  One more soak in a German Bathhouse in Baden Baden…

We lived it large and have no regrets…but looking back we know it was a rare and special time and we can’t help but think it was the time of our lives.  Reverse culture shock is setteling in on us with al its weight.  I miss my yellow house at the end of Larchenstrass.  I miss the Egg Lady.  I miss the starry nights and the hot-tub, and the shooting stars that we would see often without even trying.  I miss the hill that lead up to the horse we named Rainbow, that is now being named something else by some other American visitors.  I miss our Beate and Angie who cared for our children, our house, our pets.  I miss all of our American friends who forged the kind of friendships that are deeper and stronger than German beer.

This week our fur baby Horatio, escaped and was missing for over three days. I cried my eyes out thinking of our little indoor tabby-cat out in the 103 degree sunshine with wild stray cats and coyotes at night.  His revolt against yet another move hit me hard. I want to revolt too. It is hard.  It is hard to make new friends. It is not easy starting over.  It sucks seeing treasures you have collected, shattered in the hands of careless movers and packers.  I left a place where I was the “go-to girl” with all the info and all the energy.  Now, I know nothing. I need a GPS to get everywhere. I sit alone watching the children play. No one stops by to say hi.  CA is different than anywhere else I have lived. The weather is great and the people are friendly but it is closed off. It makes me miss TX and all my Rogers Ranch friends and neighbors.  We looked after each-other. Within a week I knew everyone’s names around me. And when CJ deployed I had good sameritans checking in on my lawn, my water heater, my happy hour needs.  I miss you, Dan and Sharon, Ed, Holzum Family and of course Lee and Gordon.  Change sucks.

But I have never been the kind to dwell in despair for long.  Horatio is eating and drinking again.  He is coming around, no longer sleeping on the closet floor, but perched back on my pillow, where he belongs.  I too will rise to my proper place.  I just find myself always wondering… is this the place we belong?  Where are we meant to be?  I am sure I will come to appreciate all of those amazing experiences in Europe and not look at the photos with such sadness in my heart.  For now, it is a bit painful. I still miss it all and all of the amazing people, so very much.  It feels like a part of my heart was ripped from my chest and lies in Bann, Germany, not sure what to do.

All I know is this…I get one chance at this life.  I have always followed the mantra of seizing the day.  I am so thankful for all we got to see and do in Europe. I am thankful for this next chapter too. It would be easy to just move back “home”.  But how would we ever know if we didn’t try on a new State, a new City.  And at the end of the day, everyone we love keeps moving too.  I can now say I have people that I truly love in Alaska, Indiana, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Texas, Arizona, Germany, Sweden, No. Ireland, Great Britain, Hawaii, Wyoming, North Dakota, New Mexico, Colorado, Missouri, California, Pennsylvania,  Japan…. I am probably missing someone, somewhere…

I digress… my Horatio is mewing, disoriented and tired from his three days of “freedom”.  I think the best thing I can do for him is provide a proper lap and stroke his fur, like I did all those times while I was sad or lonely or just feeling like I needed some fur-love.  I can give him that, after all he has given me.

So, for folks who have been on the blog before some things are different.  Now you do need a password to get in.  You will only see the first few words but then to see more of the text or photos you will need to actually log into the sight.  Also, many of you did not create passwords or had trouble with passwords so today I spent some time creating passwords for you.  If you don’t like it you can change it on your own.  Sorry, if you felt I got in your business.  😉

To protect the privacy of my family; you will need to register to see my site.

So, here we are, two years into our German experience when the countries financial woes have caught up with Landstuhl Regional Medical Center.  What does this mean for us?  We cannot say we know what will happen for sure but at this time we know this:

(1)We will likely be leaving Germany in one year or less, not the 3 -5 years we were anticipating.  This fills our hearts with a great sadness as we have grown to adore our lives here.  CJ has loved riding his bike through the woods to and from work each day.  The children love the village and schnitzel at our favorite Stube.  The hills and forests, the castles and vineyards, all of it, charmed me and fostered a sense of living a fairytale life.

(2) CJ is resilient  creative, and strong.  He already has job interviews and we are planning to recreate our lives again.  We are able to dream about amazing possibilities even though the tears flowed freely for a solid couple days.  Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

(3) We are loved.  Thank you friends and family.  Your prayers, thoughts and love fills us and lifts us up to new heights.  Although we know our future farewells here in Germany will be painful, we will take their friendships with us and our lives are all the richer for this experience.

The unknowns:

There are too many to count.  You can immagine the overwhelming feeling of moving households again, this will be the third time in three years so it is a little destabilizing for me to think about.  But we are getting pretty good at it;)

Where will our lives begin anew?  There are too many possibilities to even imagine.  CJ could be the chief of a pain clinic at a large hospital. He could run a clinic overseas.  New Zealand and Australia have always intrigued us…friends have shared job leads with us all over the states.  Other docs affected by budget cuts are looking at starting their own clinic with CJ.

So, keep us in your thoughts we welcome suggestions and we will keep you all posted as this unfolds.  If a trip to visit us in Germany was on your radar you may want to get that planned sooner than later;)